Army Strong

Just for the record, I hate that commercial. Evan leaves in a matter of days and today he is two states away getting issued new gear that he COULD have gotten in Kuwait, but the unit decided it was more important that he spend the entire day away from his family and get it done today. It really irritates me how the Army spouts that it is so family friendly when in fact it is NOT. I'm pretty sure that the rate of divorce rate in the military is much higher than most other professions (I don't remember the statistics, but I remember seeing them somewhat recently). I think it wouldn't bother me as much if they were honest about it. If they didn't pat themselves on the back about their FRGs (Family Readiness Group) that is supposedly there to support the spouses during deployment- but pre-deployment most units will require that all soldiers (yes, even singles) attend and the 1SG and CO oversee it, along with the CO's wife. Our CO's wife took over the FRG and refused to let anyone else run it, even though she has no idea how to do it, because "it's her right as the CO's wife," according to another officer's wife.
The FRG when Evan was deployed last time was awesome. It was run by a SFC's wife. I'm not sure if that is better because it's not about politics, but it sure was the best FRG I've ever had (and granted, I've only dealt with three, if you can say that the old B Co FRG is a different one than the current one, which I say it is, since it didn't exist at all for almost two years...). We had monthly meetings that were for anyone who CHOSE to come, but no one was required. We had monthly suppers for the single soldiers that the CO generally required all soldiers to at least put in an appearance to. We had fundraisers. Family events. When the guys deployed (I use the term guys loosely, as there were some female soldiers in the unit) the meetings and events and fundraisers continued. I no longer attended because I went to California for 13 months of the 15 month deployment, but I was kept current on everything through emails, with pictures, and the occasional phone call.
If I counted on that kind of thing this time around, I would be sadly disappointed. The fact is, our unit sucks. I don't care if anyone from the unit reads this- they'd probably agree with me. Our 1SG is horrible. His leadership style might work with some people, but he has brought the morale of the unit down so much I am honestly afraid for the guys to deploy. You wouldn't believe the scrambling going on the last six months to a. get out of the Army through one means or another or b. to get transferred to another company. Don't get me wrong, it happens in units that are about to deploy (this is our third pre-deployment time, although only our 2nd deployment because Evan was not fit to deploy for his first deployment due to a knee injury). But I've never seen it like this. There was talk of moving the 1SG from the unit because there is so much negative feeling towards him that they were reluctant to deploy him. In case you didn't know, deployed soldiers have their weapons on them 24/7. They eat with their weapons, they sleep with them- you get the idea.
I didn't even mean to talk about this in particular. The Army yes, but how horrible the unit is, no. It's a sore spot for me, so I normally try to ignore it. What I meant to talk about is this: Before I joined the Army (and I mean by marrying it), I always thought that women who married soldiers must be really strong. After a few years of living as an Army wife, I can tell you this isn't the case. If I mention Evan's upcoming deployment to anyone, the first words out of their mouths are almost always, "Oh, you are so strong, I could never do that!" I thought the exact same thing. I don't anymore.
I am anything but strong. If it weren't for God and my family (but honestly, mostly God), I wouldn't get through the times apart. I wouldn't get through the night after sleepless night of night terrors and teething babies. I wouldn't get through the days of screaming babies and kid's fighting and knowing there is no help coming. There is no one to come help me at the end of the day, to hug me and for awhile, if only a few seconds, take care of me, before I need to turn around and take care of the world again when someone yells they are hungry or cries because their brother grabbed their toy or they fell and got hurt.
I don't do what I do because I am strong. I do what I do because there isn't any other acceptable choice. I love my husband. He is the man God chose for me. And he loves being a soldier. God is strong for me when I don't have the strength to be. Evan told me today that if it isn't God's intent for Evan to deploy a certain day, then he won't, but that I need to trust that God knows what he is doing. I told Evan, I do trust God, but just because he knows what he is doing doesn't mean I have to LIKE it. I just need to TRUST him. I'll admit it- I am selfish. I don't want my husband to leave. I especially don't want him to die in a foreign country fighting for the right of people, most of whom do not appreciate the gravity of their freedom nor the lives of the people who keep their freedom save even if it means giving up their own. I am proud of him. I am proud that he believes in our country and God enough to do what he does. I am proud that even though he would like to see our baby take his first steps and hear his first words, he will go and defend our country. I am proud that even though he would like to go to Bulgaria and meet his daughter for the first time with me, he will go and defend our country. I am proud that even though I will sleep safely in our house on post protect by gates and fences and MPs, he will risk his to keep it that way.
I just wish that this world was different. I wish that there wasn't a NEED for our soldiers to go to war. I wish there wasn't a need for them to risk their lives, for kids to grow up without parents, for parents to bury their children, for wives to bury their husbands.

There is another man in my life that I am extremely proud of- my father. He was also a soldier. He did a lot of things he is not proud of and a lot of things he should be proud of. He fought in World War II. He was on the invasion of Normandy- you know, the opening battle scene on the beach in the movie Saving Private Ryan. If my dad could make it through that, with God's help, I have to trust that everything will be okay, one way or another. I can't imagine life without Evan, even though I have spent about half of our marriage half way around the world from him and 20 years before our marriage without him. But God knows that. He knows my heart. And His will will be done. I don't have to like it, but I will trust it.