Emotional Day

I am going to try to keep this real... So I will share our difficulties as well as our triumphs. Most of you know that we committed to Natalia and Yuri in January 2008 and in November/December (I'll be honest, I don't remember the exact date, it was a time I'd like to forget) Evan's first sergeant sabotaged our adoption. We had been struggling with him since he arrived at the unit in September 2008. Over the last year and a half, I have come to believe with all of my heart that this man is a tool of satan (he doesn't deserve his name to be capitalized, right?).
Not only that, but when he discovered that I was pregnant about the same time, he vowed to make our lives hell and for a time he did succeed. I had a difficult pregnancy. There were many times when I really should have been in the hospital receiving an IV drip for dehydration, but Evan was not allowed to take me and I didn't think I could handle the other two boys (Elijah was not medicated at this time and we were having a very difficult time with him) at the hospital, nor did I think the hospital would actually allow me to keep the boys with me. I was terrified that if I tried to go to the hospital with the boys and I told them I had no one to take care of them while I was hooked up to an IV, they would call child protective services. Looking back, I think I was a bit irrational because of the pregnancy hormones and how miserable I was feeling both physically and emotionally, but in my defense, when Aiden broke his arm during Evan's first deployment and I refused to chose between the boys and insisted that Elijah be allowed to stay at the hospital with Aiden and I (he was 3 months old and exclusively breastfed), this prompted a child abuse investigation (which was declared unfounded). But I have since become a little suspicious of hospitals and their "best intentions," as clearly I was in a difficult situation and they were not willing to work with me when I refused to leave Aiden's side or find someone to take Elijah.
Back to first sergeant- during the first half of my pregnancy, he kept Evan at work late every night- some nights as last as 10:30 and several weekends a month he worked one or both days of the weekend as well, also until about 10 at night. It was a difficult and dark time in our lives. Evan and I were struggling with the guilt of leaving Natalia and Yuri in the institution, the guilt of being pregnant (because I worried people would think we had "backed out" due to the pregnancy, which was NOT the case), the misery of me being pregnant and being sick 24/7. Add to that the difficulties we experienced with Elijah- a child who had never been affectionate or cuddly, who seemed to never sleep, who suddenly began attacking his older brother with the slightest provocation, or none at all. I couldn't leave the boys alone together for even a minute, lest Elijah go into a rage and attack Aiden, biting him and breaking his skin. Aiden was often covered in bruises (as was I) from Elijah's rage and we had no idea what to do to help him. We were on a wait list to see a developmental pediatrician and were waiting for the insurance and military bases to get on the same page so we could take him to a doctor five hours away at another military base. Add to that Evan being gone all the time at work- and being miserable at work and at home.
Even now it is painful to think about that time. The few times I saw the first sergeant, I was overcome with such hatred, it made me ashamed of myself. Elijah was diagnosed with moderate autism right around his second birthday and started on medication, but then his doctor ETSed from the Army and we were left trying to find someone to take over dispensing his medicine and monitoring his progress on it.
After awhile things got a little better. We began working with a child psychiatrist, through the state, and they also began services for an infant and child behavioral health therapist (I think that is the title, anyway...). With Kieran's birth, things at home improved drastically. I was no longer sick all the time and we now had this beautiful, amazing little guy. He didn't replace Natalia and Yuri in our hearts, but he sure helped to ease the pain. Things improved a bit at work for Evan. The company now had a new commander who, while not willing to outright go against the first sergeant, was trying to balance things out a bit.
First sergeant has continued to make our lives difficult- and not just us. I have not spoken with a single person in the unit who is fond of him. I have come to believe that this man does not respect the institution of the United States Army at all. As much as I may say I dislike the Army, I believe in what it stands for and I am proud of Evan. This man, as far as I can tell, is all about power and abusing that power. I will not speculate as to how he rose to the position of first sergeant when he is so clearly undeserving of that honor.
I thought that I had forgiven him, if not for everything, at least for his part in ensuring our failure. I don't think he is completely to blame, I think that we were fearful and allowed ourselves to be bullied. I am ashamed to admit that, but it's true. We were bullied and instead of standing fast in the power and glory of the Lord, we cowered and gave in. We didn't stand and fight for what we believe in. We were so unsure of ourselves and convinced of our failure. We were beaten down. It is not a good feeling to know that not only did we fail, but that we allowed ourselves to fail and allowed satan his win.
Last night was a clear reminder, not only of that incredibly painful and difficult time, but that I have not forgiven this man. Honestly, right now I don't know if it is possible for me to do. Because now I have had the displeasure of meeting this man's wife and I now hold her with the same contempt that I hold her husband. I cried last night like I haven't cried in a long time. My heart hurt so much and I am so thankful that my sweet husband was able to call me and let me pour my heart out to him. I attended an FRG meeting last night. I suppose I should have realized that the first sergeant's wife might be there and that, having been married to him for long enough to have teen aged children, that she might be as unpleasant as he. Honestly, it never crossed my mind at all.
There has been talk for some time of the unit moving to Texas several months after redeployment. When the subject was brought up and discussed, I asked about staying here- because Elijah would lose his state insurance (which allows him to have some services that Tricare does not provide, even though Tricare does pay for most of these services, if that makes any sense). It came up that the unit, specifically first sergeant, has not been supportive since the boys were diagnosed. It was that moment that I realized the woman sitting across the table from me was first sergeant's wife- because she said, "Don't hate me because my husband is the only one doing his job and the rest of y'alls are worthless." I could literally feel my blood pressure rising. Throughout the meeting, as spouses had questions and they were answered, she made several more similar comments. Like how we had better not have problems that involve her husband because then she has to listen to him b*$%^ about our s$%# (her words!) on skype- and might I add that where MY husband is, the internet connection cannot support skype or any kind of video chat, voice chat, or anything similar. It took Evan an hour this morning to send me a few pictures, which were very poor quality. But that is a different matter altogether.
This woman criticized everything the spouses said- not loudly so everyone could hear (like the rear D commander and 1st Sgt), just loud enough so that everyone at our table could hear. She made nasty comments about spouses as they took turns asking questions. She made nasty comments about our soldiers- the guys that are over there risking their lives so she could have the right to talk trash about them. She wanted to know how she had the bad luck for her husband to get stuck on this deployment when he had managed to evade them for the last 17 years- which if you are Army, you KNOW what this says about this man's character and loyalty to this country. When the presentation part of the meeting was over and we were allowed to chat amongst ourselves, I discovered that I was not the only upset and irate spouse, which I suppose offers me some measure of comfort. The anger I felt was overwhelming. I have told Evan before that I never understood how 1SG had a family (because he would say stuff like, "Well *I* have a family and they never needed me to do this or that") and last night when I spoke to him I told him I understood why he has a family. His wife is just as evil and corrupted as he is.
Honestly, right now I am not sure what to do. Evan is reluctant for me to speak with the commander's wife (who runs the FRG) because he doesn't believe it will accomplish anything and may cause him more grief. What I want to do is write her a letter and tell her every foul thing that 1SG has ever done. I want to show her pictures of Natalia and Yuri so she can see their precious faces. I want to make her understand how much grief and difficulty this man has put us through- this man who is supposed to SUPPORT us and be a LEADER, not a tyrant. I received a wonderful letter from the commander's wife yesterday after having some issues with CYS. I am torn, because it seemed like she was sincere in wanting to help, but we have also heard negative things about the commander, and although Evan has not experienced much of it firsthand, he is reluctant to disregard the signs and trust that this "leader" has the unit's best interest at heart and not his own agenda.
I know I am not the only wife that feels this way. I would really like to rally the other wives and go to the commander's wife with the request that 1SG's wife not be allowed to attend FRG meetings or other unit functions if she is going to behave in the manner she did last night. But I also know that it is not the Christian thing to do and I am at a loss as to what God wants me to do. Because I feel that I need the support of the FRG during this deployment, but I am positive that more times like last night are neither good nor healthy for me during this deployment (or anytime really, but especially now). I could really use some prayers about this. I know that my fierce love for the kids and my husband sometimes blinds me and causes me to go into mama bear rage when I ought to be more understanding and Christ-like. I can rationalize it when I am calm, but in a situation, I may not think it through and act on my emotions rather than Scripture. I just don't know what to do.
I have another confession to make. We have told very few people in the unit that we are again in the process of adoption. In fact, to our knowledge, neither the first sergeant or the commander know. The commander left early, so when Evan needed his employment letter, the XO was there to do it in his place as acting commander- and the XO has been very supportive of our adoption. Evan told me today that the XO called him yesterday just to ask him how the adoption is going. I spoke to his wife at the FRG meeting last night- she was incredibly friendly and helpful. I mentioned the adoption to her and she offered her support and congratulations.
Evan has spoken with the XO about the adoption. As of right now, there is no need for them to know, especially since the 1SG has made his position on adoption and adding to our family quite clear. We do not need his approval and we do not need his support. I am amazed at how the Lord has worked things out this way- because had the commander been there to sign Evan's employment letter, he surely would have let 1SG know. I honestly have no idea WHY he is SO against "large" families- is 4 kids even a large family?
As far as our current adoption... I should be receiving our Hague approved home study any day now. Once I receive it, I can send it off with our i800a application and that is the last thing we need for our dossier. I am so incredibly excited! Wow, this post has turned into a novel. ;) But I feel better, it always helps to talk about things and share.
I do have a few prayer requests to share. Our i800a will cost a pretty penny to file- I think $870, but don't quote me on that. I do have the money in our adoption savings, but the more money I can keep in that savings account, the more interest it earns and the more money we have for later on in the process. I am making jewelry to sell to help fund our adoption, but I haven't yet listed any of it for sale. Please pray that the funds would be there when we need them, now and in the future, that I would find the time to take pictures of the jewelry (that the pictures would be good!), that I will be able to sell my jewelry, and for an easy time receiving our i800a approval. There is one thing that could cause a hiccup- once I send in our application, we will receive fingerprint appointments. Obviously, Evan is unable to be here for this, but we anticipated it and we had him fingerprinted on post before he left. We spoke to USCIS and they did say that fingerprints done at a US Embassy or military installation are acceptable in place of the livescan prints. I am a little apprehensive because the code on the print card is not that of a military installation- because the code is the code of who processes it, not who does the actual printing and some bases use civilians to process their prints. It does say Ft Huachuca on it and they did include a business card so that USCIS could verify that they did, indeed, fingerprint him, but I am still a little concerned!
I also wanted to thank everyone for their support, well wishes, and prayers. It means a lot to me to know that people do support us. Thank you so much! And now, I think I am off to bed!! (Finally, I know.)